Pop videos hurt

Life drags me back to you, and through these videos I remember, just a glimpse, of what I really envy, of what I’ve lost, of what I can’t stand. As I said before to you or someone like you, or all of you, or to none of you: “My greatest desire, my biggest fear”, what I failed to do (as I always do) it to reveal that this emotion refers to you or someone like you, or all of you, or none of you.

These videos are dangerous, these really hurt. I’ve done my job too well, I’ve found the core of this symbol and now I’m paying the price.

I’ve been told recently that “me” likes to have their own spaces, but it seems that I’ve managed to carve out of the fabric of society, space and time my own space, where leaving or entering is either too dificult, frightful of painful. I stand behind this wall, looking through a small opening to the rest of the world that deblacles over carcasses denied of meaning, hollowed. And still, these videos as pop as they are convey a force, a meaning, a real impact that, as ironic as it seems, look “real”, true, although they spawn from the most materialistic, underratted and commercial of all the genres.

And from here, I fell in love with you or all of you, or none of you.

I psyche myself out, I explain myself, and I claim that what I really fell is the need to be “normal” (Foucault laughs) and to “recover” the lost years of pain I couldn’t enjoy. But this is of no use, even thou I know, I still don’t Know, and the emotion, this empty cup, stands there, watching at me either laughing or crying, or both, or none.

The only thing I know, or I think I know, is that it all finally is up to us, or me, or all or no one. I see your face again and I long for something I don’t really understand, it’s dogma for me and maybe I’ll have to challenge that dogma for a more agnostic view ("YOU DON'T EXIST"). But right now, I wish you where here, “my greatest desire, my biggest fear”, and that I (for once) be able to act and kill myself only to be reborn in you.

KX.- on a heartbreak lullaby.